From Winter: Aphorisms (Drones are probably killing someone right now)

 

Drones are probably killing someone right now

 

Rub it mama. Kill it. Put sword on it thanks.

Every day all day long the babies kill, are killed, want to kill, admire the killing, fear the killing, enact the killing, pretend to kill, try to truly kill, think they have truly killed, think they have truly been killed, don’t fear the killing, enjoy the killing, kill guilelessly, kill guiltlessly, kill effortlessly, kill with abandon, kill with zest, kill ambitiously, kill with stealth, kill with flair, kill thoughtlessly, kill as an afterthought, solicit killing, encourage killing, laugh at the killing, glory in the killing, kill many different ways, kill with many different weapons, relish the ways they might kill, revel in the variety of deaths they have experienced.

Drones are probably at the babies. Gentle people I.

Gentle puppy, killer, don’t kill.

 

Drones are probably killing someone right now

 

Let’s kiss. Again. Again. Again no.

How do we not kill anything.

How do we extricate love from. How do we not become poisoned if we are poison I.

How do we come to love the poison. How do we get our hands on some poison how do I explain the rage I.

I am not comfortable with the amount of rage that has filled me since they have been born.

Do I have as much love as I have rage I can’t be sure, my love is enormous I.

I try to move through this world with love/drones are probably killing someone right now—I think this thought relentlessly but I cannot understand it.

I can’t think hard enough I.

 

Drones are probably killing someone right now

 

And stop fucking hitting your brother for the fucking millionth time today.

The rage is in inverse-proportion to the love I want to believe this.

I want to cry with the love! there is so much love and it is beautiful what is wrong he hit me in the face why because I put the sweatband on the cheetah.

When the babies came, the more the love, the more the rage, the more the drones.

The trafficking, the climate change, the more precarious the intimacy with the distant-close holes of the heartbeat.

The more precarious a shared world interior, the more tender the utterly.

That utterly enraged baby.

The more utterly tender the world the more utterly enraged. For the world I porous at tender holes.

 

Drones are probably killing someone right now

 

If you love your babies without hating something else even more.

Grammy says we don’t use the word “hate” in this family yes we do.

She says no yes sweetie we do use the word hate. We just have to hate the right things oh lovey that makes you sad.

Mateo of singing. Mateo of dimples and the lost front tooth. I’m right here and we’re all in love.

Mateo holds my face in his hands, looks into my eyes, says: I’m not gonna let that happen to you.

Tenderhearted fierce Mateo oh.

Note found on my pillow: Hello Grouch, Meet the big gets-mad-at-every-single-thing. Her second name is “the inquisitive” and “must be precise about it all.”

And that boy is so big now and we love each other you can’t imagine how much and he is so full of love and rage I can hardly bear how wonderful!

 

Drones are probably killing someone right now

 

And we are all of us, as he says, in love.

Does this love give us strength or gaping terror, gushing at.

Orb, muddled views on so fast much I.

Alienation theorists and self-harboring systems I.

I don’t believe it possible that you love your children if you don’t also fall apart with your love for all the children in solitary confinement at Rikers.

If you don’t have plans to burn down Rikers I.

I don’t believe I love my children if my heart isn’t also destroyed with love for all the people destroyed for our protections I.

Exclusively for souls I. Exclusively for souls I.

I hate you the world’s shittiest white woman asshole just imploded with love of the world I.

 

Drones are probably killing someone right now

 

I love yet cannot evade the question of whether he will absorb ethereal bodies of rotation inside me.

Open and fragmentary, or until broken apart at my soul-brains.

That child. And then, simply, the whole world.

Choose a safe online name. Use email addresses, IM names, chat nicknames, and other such names that don’t give away too much personal information. Pick a name that doesn’t help identify you or locate you.

If you don’t look at your baby and think of Kalief Browder then you don’t actually love your baby.

If I don’t look at my baby and think of Kalief Browder then I don’t actually love my baby.

Everything, even more than ever, not simply in pairs capable of reproduction.

If you’re not always thinking about the drones.

 

Drones are probably killing someone right now

 

The infants sleep and break into their holier parts. The infants wake and congeal.

The infants asleep and awake across two years while Kalief Browder is in solitary confinement for allegedly stealing a backpack, also the drones that I cannot fathom.

Whales Deepwater Horizon and the murder of indigenous environmental activisits I.

Get that out of your mouth love.

I have found no way to say how sweet, how sweet, how soft and wet his little kiss is.

His wide open wet mouth he wants to eat my whole face with love and a devouring heart I.

The toes. The little fat legs. The bitty hands. The startle-reflex that needles also into my center-brains.

Drones are probably killing someone right now

 

How sweet the strong suck, and how the babies find peace on my body.

How our smells. How their holy little minds. Their holy little bodies.

Their profound perfect tiny infinities, drones that are probably killing someone right now.

I imagine all the other babies of profound perfect tiny infinities and they amass toward me I.

My god I.

And they are already in all my smallest parts mixed evenly around I.

I am so fucking enraged and at whom and where can I direct the rage and what I.

The genius of late capitalism is identifying at whom exactly I am enraged and.

 

Drones are probably killing someone right now

 

We are batter. Milk in the batter, milk in the batter, we bake cake and nothing’s the matter!

Don’t throw that block past the tower, throw it at the tower—check your trajectory. Our baby is on the other side of the tower from you when you throw the block from there so aim at it from a different direction.

Utter destruction can you say that Archie? utter destruction then everybody laughing hysterically.

The primordial soup, struck by lightning and. Did someone just poop.

Use strong, unique passwords for every site to reduce the risk of someone breaking into your account.

Allowed to, or made to hurt in private.

The lines of distinction, breakage point, fracture, fault line I.

A hole. Filled with this person.

 

Drones are probably killing someone right now

 

I have heard that when the wolf is actually at my jugular I will feel peace.

I am very glad for a wolf to eat me but not the. Now a tiger again raar!

The wheat inside the crop circles was burned by butane gas and my kryptonite hey she’s writing it all down guys.

That river is a real river, that’s the river you can always re-enter identically, that’s the intrauterine river of omnipotence, immortality, and impurity.

But do you see how increasingly disordered and lumpy the properties are?

And then, if the lumps begin to rot, that’s hope.

If there is hope, if there are feathers, then there are still drones.

Joy, and you can fall into it laughing hysterically. Passwords.

 

Drones are probably killing someone right now

 

Joy reveals a reason for aversions to sweetness, even the most harmless oral enjoyment causes something that will remain unacceptable for the freedom of the hero.

A hero is the mouth hole. Is that poop?

Who is the mouth hole and who is the asshole. Who is the nose hole the ear hole the eye socket the piss hole the hole they cut to lift you out of. The sweetness outbursts everywhere I.

I am a thermometer and we live in a cesspool.

Littlest baby’s hot mouth sucks one nipple then he sits up and vomits on my other breast. The bigger baby also is hot at my back and we all become hotter into the night.

Babies are hotter and hotter and my nipples burn when he turns to nurse at night. The heat of their fever in their mouths wakes me when they nurse at night I.

Instantaneous terror then the.

 

Drones are probably killing someone right now

 

Temperature of their ears, how many diarrheas, how many vomits, is there enough pee in the diaper or are they dehydrated and all at once they are all three sick. No one comes to visit us is that another diarrhea we better start writing these down.

2:30 am boy diarrhea; 2:30 am boy at 103.2; 2:30 am baby at 102.8; 2:35 am for boy ibuprofen; 2:55 am at 103.4; 2:55 am baby at 103.4; 2:55 am baby acetaminophen; 3:15 am boy at 102.6; 3:15 am baby at 102.0; 3:25 baby diarrhea; 3:40 am baby 102.0; 3:40; diarrhea

for the boy; 4:00 am 101.4 and diarrhea baby; 6 am 102.1. This goes on for days—.

Our heads. Our torsos. Who we murder while we tender for babies I.

What doesn’t show.

Drones are probably killing someone right now